Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Call me Ishmyelle...

Husband and I have a running collection of stripper names. You know… names that inspire thoughts of mirrored walls and the perpetual smell of French vanilla. Seriously! You know it’s true- some kids have names that just instinctively suggest they will be paying their electric bill with singles. Here are some examples:

Other names that qualify are attempts at unique spellings of relatively normal names. They often start with a K rather than a C or they replace the Y on the end with EE, etc. etc. For instance:

We were watching the “Birthday Board” on the local morning news today and there was a 1-year-old baby girl named… TAMRYN. I’m sure Little Tamryn will have hours of fun with the Fisher-Price “My First Pole”.

And behold! Once again, the great almighty Internet shall provide for all our needs!
A Quiz to Learn Your Secret Stripper Name

My secret stripper name? Gigi, apparently. Only I would spell it JiJi.

Comments are open- share your favorite stripper name, Blogites!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Forget the driver's license... ask to see her purse!

Wild times at our house, Blogites; hence the lack of updates. I wish I could say they were the good bacchanalian kind of wild times with the wine and decadent food and crazy sex and whatnot. But no. Not so much. Think more along the lines of decaf coffee and grilled chicken and abstinence on account of narcotic pain relievers.

But at the end of it all, Husband seems to be feeling much better. He’s taking a drug called Topamax, which he has affectionately renamed Potamax for it’s groovy side effects. The drug seems to be preventing the headaches, so he’s working on adjusting to the foggy-headed feeling and his new affinity for Cheech & Chong movies.

Middle Sister called this weekend in the midst of a heart-wrenching dilemma I know all too well: the switch to the big purse. In our teens on through our mid to late 20s, women are willing to carry these minute little vessels that we pass off as purses, but are actually no larger than your average espresso cup. The limited storage capacity works just fine when all you really need to get by is some lip gloss, your cell phone, and a condom.

But there comes a point in every woman’s life when she finds that the cute little nightclub purses no longer cut it. The moment has been creeping up on you for years. Many women will even walk around with their Lillputian purses unzipped and bulging at the seams. Want to spot the woman over 25 in the group? Look for the itty-bitty purse with the car keys sticking out of the top because her gym and grocery store discount key ring cards won’t fit inside. (And lip gloss doesn’t hide the dark circles under her eyes.) Logic dictates a bigger bag, but vanity wins out for many many years. We are desperate to avoid our awful destiny: the mom purse.

I’ve decided that it’s really a sort of rite passage- the day you find you are less concerned with a teeny purse and more concerned with actually having room for all the shit you need to carry around. If you have ever looked at a little bag and thought “huh… that’s never gonna hold my calendar AND my mini-umbrella!,” well, my friend… your time has come. As I said to middle sister this weekend, come over to the dark side and get yourself a big ol’ tote bag! You will find that the pleasure you once took in looking hip with that little tic-tac-sized change purse has been replaced by the relief you feel at having your Clorox pen handy.

I myself have gone to the aforementioned gigantor tote bag a little early in life in part because I frequently carry snacks for hypoglycemic Husband. (Yeah… for Husband… that’s right… ) I also carry a wide array of over-the-counter remedies for my very persnickety tummy. One of my college girlfriends went to the big purse right out of college because she’s very short and wears heels to appointments… but she can’t drive her stick-shift car in them. And we all discovered that professional-woman hair and makeup requires a few more maintenance tools than just a rubber-band to hold back your locks should you consume too much Purple Jesus. (A note: if your hosts have mixed the PJ in the bathtub, they will be less than enthusiastic about letting you vomit in the toilet next to said tub.)

I’ve also noticed that the size of the purse is directly proportional to the number of people and the needs of the people for whom the woman feels responsible for caring. Some women simply give up a purse all together when their children are small and just toss their own stuff into the diaper bag. (Want to pick her out in the ladies room? Look for the woman brushing Cheerio dust out of her hairbrush.) I remember my Mom and older sister’s purses as veritable treasure chests of neato stuff. No matter what the delay or situation or complication, they were prepared. Mom always had Ziploc bags in her purse because of my propensity for vomiting when I was carsick/scared/upset/nervous/excited/getting blood drawn. (You get the point- I was a regular little Linda Blair.) My sister once produced half a barnyard’s worth of little plastic animals, a sippy cup, and a stuffed toucan from her purse to soothe her irritable toddler in a hospital waiting room right after she changed his diaper, washed his face, and medicated him with materials from the same bag. It was impressive.

I think it all boils down to the same reason you don’t see tons of older folks camping. There comes a point in your life when having access to the little conveniences and comforts contributes mightily to your disposition. In my 30s, my idea of “roughing it” has come to mean a hotel without an adequate spa. Similarly, I am now highly annoyed if I’m caught without Tums and my round boar bristle brush. When you’re no longer distressed if you don’t get carded, why not get a purse that holds more than your driver’s license?

Don’t get me wrong, I get a faint sense of nostalgia when I see a cute little hipster out with her bag the size of a walnut. But when those four-inch stiletto shoes she’s wearing give her a blister, it’s nice to know I can give her a Band-Aid.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

These words don't even begin to cover it...

Wow. Just… wow.

This amazing gal, Amilia, was born at 21 weeks and 6 days gestation. My Cecilia was stillborn at 20 weeks and 5 days. Cecilia outweighed Amilia by four ounces.

The sight of her little newborn body makes me cry- it looks so eerily familiar in some ways. I feel oddly connected to her and my heart is full of joy and hope for her and her family. I know how it feels to hold a tiny, fragile body like hers and I am profoundly grateful that their experience is with a living child, however tiny and fragile.

Amilia is going home today, four months old and four and a half pounds.


Lots of love and luck, sweet Amilia!
Cecilia’s Mommy.

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Medicated Husband: Fun for Everyone!

Husband: These migraine prevention drugs are giving me really really bizarre dreams.

Me: Like what?

H: Last night I had one that was a Christmas musical.

M: A Christmas musical???

H: Yeah, you know… like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

M: Like the animated Burl Ives one?

H: Yeah, except the people I know were the characters and we were all singing this song… but I can’t exactly remember the words.

M: That’s probably best. Was I Herbie?

H: No, no… we were all ourselves… just with big giant heads on little tiny clay bodies.

M: Oh, dang. I was sure my Dad would have been Yukon Cornelius. And I was Herbie.

H: Nope. But you still had big boobies…. big lovely claymation boobies.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Marshmallow Blog: This one's full of fluff!

Me: Holy Crap! The Today Show anchors are sampling some hot chocolate that costs TWENTY-NINE DOLLARS A POUND! That’d better be some good damn hot chocolate!

Husband: Where’s it from?

Me: Um… France, apparently.

Husband: Shit… the French should be GIVING us that hot chocolate… you know, since we liberated their asses…. TWICE.

Move over, John Bolton! Can you imagine the bi-partisan support Husband's nomination would get? He negotiates in CHOCOLATE, people!
Husband had a tough week. He’s had 5 major migraine headaches in 9 days. The worst one hit on Thursday and the poor guy wound up being injected with a lot of drugs and getting a CT scan. (Mercifully, the scan was clear.)
On Thursday night, he was climbing the stairs to bed and says in a weak voice with a Demerol-and-Imitirex-cocktail-induced slur:
“I shtill havea Ban-Aid on my ash….”
The offending (and apparently itchy) Band-Aid was removed and he lapsed into a coma.

In other totally fluffy brainless weekend blog fodder, it seems Britney Spears has shaved her head. I’m sure this anti-hairdo is part of some post-divorce self awakening in which she rejects her teeny bopper past and seeks to be taken seriously as an “artist”. (Haven’t you heard? She’s mounting a comeback.) Unfortunately for her, she’s not old enough to remember Sinead’s 15 minutes in the early 90s. This is going to end badly- watch for her to tear up a picture of Billy Graham on SNL.

Celebrity Denouncement Time! On behalf of all thinking women of the world, I hereby strip John Mayer of his hottie status until he ends this relationship with Jessica Simpson. We are disappointed in you John, but we know you are a 20-something boy newly awash in fame, so we will suspend final judgment in hopes that this is simply your requisite dating-a-string-of-unsuitable-bimbos phase. We don’t begrudge you dating a woman of commensurate hotness, but please find one that actually has talent and … oh… say… didn’t star as DAISY F***ING DUKE! To think that you might actually be that shallow- well, it’s a waste we can’t live with.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Warning: Bleeding Heart Propaganda

Thanks to Stephanie over at Creature Bug for this:


Made me weepy at work on a Friday morning. Gratuitous displays of basic human kindness set to indie rock will do that to a gal.

"Wherever there is a human being there is an opportunity for kindness" -- Seneca

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Meredith Viera: Still Stupid

Oh, that wacky Meredith Viera is at again! Seems our little plan worked, Blogites, and the Today show got walloped with emails about the Momtini piece. A follow up segment appeared yesterday. They were quick to point out they got emails for AND against drinking on playdates. But it’s funny, they only read one con email and it was inarticulate and preachy. They also left out the emails like mine that called Meredith on the carpet for being an asswipe during the original interview- quelle surprise!

This segment was much better, though. Meredith and the “doctor” were much more balanced and they had a terrific smart-ass writer, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, on. (You have GOT to love a woman whose book is titled Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay: And Other Things I Had to Learn as a New Mom!)

This is my favorite part of today’s “news” piece:
(On emails about the absence of comment on DADS drinking in front of kids…)
Meredith: "IS there a gender bias here?"
“Doctor”: "No, absolutely not."
WHA-WHA-WHAAAAAT???? Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that this supposed psychological professional clearly does not live in reality???

I also love the email they read about all the doomsday disastrous things that could happen to kids on playdates. Is the assumption that if mothers don't drink, they will be able to protect kids from all those things? Most of the kids I know have endured a few good solid falls or knocks to the head regardless of the vigilance of their parents. Besides, I can have WAY more than one glass of wine and still dial 9-1-1 with amazing accuracy. (Seriously- it has been tested and proven.)

If this argument goes to response time, what else are Mothers not supposed to do? I mean, really, are these women supposed to be hovering over their children at every second poised to spring into action just in case… CHILDHOOD HAPPENS? Next thing you know, reading Cosmo or typing an email while your kids play out back will be irresponsible mothering because, you know… they could fall or break an arm or join al-qaeda while you were selfishly directly elsewhere.

Folks, we all know kids whose Moms never socialized and devoted EVERY SINGLE SECOND of EVERY DAY to monitoring their children’s every move to the exclusion of their own health and happiness. Those kids do not turn out well. At best, they are inept adults frightened of the world and unable to function as normal adults. (We’ve all dated a guy whose Mom still picked out his clothes. At 35.) At worst, these kids wind up with the bodies of an entire family hidden in the deep freeze in the garage.

Ladies, relax. Have a little faith in yourself. Have a reality check. Have a drink. I promise, you’ll feel better.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Blizzard of '07

Behold. A South Carolina blizzard.

For two glorious hours yesterday morning, big white fluffy flakes fell down upon us. And then came the sleety slushy crud. And then came the cold cold rain. And then I went to work. *SIGH*

All Wednesday night, our local forecasters told us that we would have no more than cold rain. Oh, they hinted that MAYBE PERHAPS if stars collided and Lindsay Lohan took responsibility for something, we might get a little bit of a “wintry mix”. I hate that term- it’s just weatherperson speak for “might be rain, might be a blizzard, but hey, we get paid lots of money to have absolutely no f***ing clue what will actually happen!”

That mere mention of a wintry mix was enough to send half the state swarming into the grocery stores to buy milk and break. Any time there’s the remotest chance of so much as a flurry, South Carolinians go clean the stores out of milk and bread. Honest to God, vegans with wheat allergies will throw elbows at old ladies for the last package of pitas and a carton of buttermilk. Here’s my question:
What is it about those two food items that make them indispensable in inclement weather? Milk will spoil when a blackout kills the power to your fridge. Bread is not some superfood that will sustain your family for days should you be trapped in your home by the treacherous conditions. (Note: “treacherous conditions”= 1 inch of snow and temps in the mid-20s.)

Husband and I don’t usually make the emergency grocery run. That’s because we know that pizza delivery is a lot like the post office… you know, neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor dark of night shall keep them from their appointed rounds? Unfortunately, it’s about the same level of accuracy, too…

We WILL, however, make a much more important stop: the liquor store. Because the pizza guy won’t bring you red wine or vodka no matter how much you offer to tip. (Trust us.) And they totally should- can you imagine the money those poor minimum wage drivers would make? And how many DUIs could be avoided?

Seriously, sometimes I am so damn civic-minded, it makes me weep.