Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Very Educational Post

Dearest Blogites… I have an awful confession to make. I fear many of you will think less of me afterwards, but this ugly secret is weighing so heavily on my heart that I have no choice except to let it out into the light of the Intraweb. *SIGH* Here goes…
I love the hell out of some Dancing with the Stars.
There. I said it.
I am NOT a reality television fan. I hate most of it- Survivor, Big Brother, blah, blah, blah…soul-sucking mindless drivel that caters to the very worst and least intelligent parts of us. But C and D list celebrities ballroom dancing? That’s just good clean fun, folks.
The latest DWTS cast was announced today. My take? *YAWN* I found myself repeatedly saying “who??” and “where is my vodka tonic?” But I did a little research (for you guys, of course) so that I could offer this highly educat- wait. … no… um… reasonably conscious guide to the cast. So without further ado… (Was all that before this “ado”? What is ado? Anybody?? Beuller? Beuller? )

Lauren’s Guide to the Newest Cast of Dancing with the Stars:

Susan Lucci- They’re calling Lucci a “Daytime Television Icon”, but I prefer to think of her as the patron saint of the mercy fuck. After approximately 114 years on Days of our Hospital’s Restless Lives Turning and as many nominations, Lucci finally won a daytime Emmy. Word on the street is that they had to give it to her or all the housewives in New Jersey would simultaneously start up their SUVs effectively suffocating the entire state and portions of New York as well. (Wait… we wanted to AVOID that? Vermont’s been trying to come up with a plan like that for years…)

Toni Braxton- An R&B singer and Babyface Edmonds protégé, Toni joins the cast fresh off her latest album called… um… er… well, I’m sure she’s still singing someplace- she must own a shower. No, actually, she’s headlining in Vegas these days which is like a shower… a very infrequently cleaned shower. Interesting Toni Tidbits: she was the first black woman to play a Disney character lead on Broadway (Belle) and she’s currently suing the shit-all-hell out of her former manager. Walt would be proud.

Lance Bass- Baby-faced Lance is a former member of the boy band N’Sync. In the great tradition of baby-faced-boy-band-members, he recently came out of the closet. With that revelation, he also taught millions of adolescent girls the very important life lesson called “Preventing Heartbreak Through Gaydar.”

Cloris Leachman- All together now… “WHO?” You may remember Cloris Leachman from roles such as the gently-wise-but-booze-soaked grandma in the movie Spanglish. Notable about her participation is the fact that she’s 82 years old, which makes her the second oldest participant right behind Susan Lucci at 135.

Kim Kardashian- Kim is famous for… uh… let’s see… no discernable talent… not that smart… no real contributions to society… OH! Yeah! Her butt is GINORMOUS. And she’s dating Reggie Bush, who I’m told plays the foozeball. I have to give the producers props for casting her, though. I mean, how else are Sir Mix-a-Lot and 69 Boyz ever going to earn any royalties?

Ted McGinley- No, really. He’s actually a celebrity. I thought they’d given an extra slot to some guy from Accounting, too. But aside from a lead role on an obscure sitcom (Hope & Faith), our friend Ted seems to be the faceless everyman. He’s been in a ton of stuff, just go look at IMDB. But you’d pass right by him on the street with only faint recognition (“Doesn’t that guy work in Accounting…”) Suffice to say when you see him you’ll go “oooooh, THAT guy” but I don’t think he’s had to learn evasive driving techniques to lose the paparazzi.

Brooke Burke- Brooke is a former (or current- not sure- don’t care) E! personality (and I use that term loosely) who has approximately 12 kids by like 17 different daddies. She is best known for being exotically beautiful, if you’re into all that. (Husband, you are not, FYI.) She is also well-hated among actual women for looking as though she has never birthed so much as a big poo, much less multiple kids. Adolescent boys take note- a quick Google image search will return multiple pictures of her boobies.

Warren Sapp- Warren is a former defensive tackle for the Oakland Raiders and has the second highest career total sacks for that position. (Husband just got a little hot for me there… ooo… talk aggressive defense to me, baby…) Ahem. Warren is a BIG BIG BIG man. And unlike Emmitt Smith, he did not play in a position known for intricate footwork. Warren’s participation will probably be somewhat like a grizzly bear trying to roller skate. Drunk. And blindfolded.

Misty May-Treanor- In a testament to the American attention span, Misty May will probably be the best known dancer as she is fresh off Olympic gold in beach volleyball. I’m looking forward to her spiking Len Goodman’s smarmy British head when he gives her one of his notoriously low scores. Oh, and she’s the automatic winner in my book if she uses that buff body to beat the ever-lovin’ crappola out of Brooke Burke.

Maurice Greene- Maurice is an Olympic medal-winning runner. He’s no stranger to reality television, having appeared on Blind Date. He recently retired from running, saying it was because of injuries. But we all know the truth… he’s dating Claudia Jordan aka Case #1 Girl on Deal or No Deal and how on earth would anything he ever did compete with her success?

Rocco DiSpirito- Celebrity chef Rocco can be described in one word: YUMMY. Both the contestant and his cooking. God help us all if we find out he dance, too. I mean… can you imagine the triple threat? A hottie man who cooks AND dances? (Wait… I can imagine that. I married that. Eat your hearts out, bitches.) Anywho, ol’ Rocco will be the eye candy for the thinking women fans of DWTS.

Cody Linley- Unless you are the parent of an adolescent girl (looking at you CCW), you are probably not familiar with Little Lord Linley. I tried my best at deductive reasoning. With a name like “Cody”, probably very young. Clearly not a Jonas brother unless he’s the illegitimate one. Kathie Lee’s kid? No, that would be a Gaffer or a GIF file or what the hell is his name- Gipper.. I finally had to Google the little bastard. Get this- he’s HANNAH MONTANA’S love interest! He’s probably going to regret that role later in a very Mark-Paul Gosselar kind of way a la “Hey… what’s Zach Morris doing on NYPD Blue?”

Jeffrey Ross- Jeffrey is a comedian. But sadly, he lacks some kind of incredibly clever and relevant catchphrase like “git ‘er done” or “you might be a redneck”, so he is not as well known as some of his colleagues. He is apparently an “insult comic” so perhaps that’s why they’ve asked him to roast Bob Saget. I can’t think of much more insulting than that.

So there you have it! The cast of DWTS fully illustrated for you in my always demure and subtle fashion. Next week we’ll talk about who I’d like to see on DWTS. But for now I’ll run along home to my wine. And my child- yeah, her too.

Friday, August 22, 2008

OMG ppl i suck

My child? She crawls. And claps her hands. And bobs her head to music.
But dear GOD… the CRAWLING. The cat now lives in a constant state of fear. My house looks like we’re preparing for flood waters with everything elevated and such. And I think someone should have told me that children develop the urge to stick little pointer fingers in electrical outlets VERY VERY EARLY.

In non-baby-related news, it has recently come to my attention that I’m the only living person who can’t bear to use text message abbreviations and lingo. I am physically and psychologically incapable of hitting the “send” button on something that only vaguely resembles the English language in written form. I blame college. Pesky college! I earned a BA in English only after living through courses like Advanced Grammar in which Dr. Sadist had us DIAGRAM THE PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION. It’s clear to me now that I didn’t really need that course to successfully write for a living. The only real purpose could have been to instill in me a phobia of modern linguistic shorthand and a crippling inability to relax where sentence structure is concerned.
But seriously… my text messages? They contain semi-colons where appropriate and capital letters and completely spelled-out words and entirely too much information for what should be an abbreviated form of communication. Let’s look at an example:
A normal human’s text message:
“r u @ work?”
Lauren’s text message:
“Are you at work or at home? If you’re at home, call me, please.”
I’m well aware that I am unforgivably anal retentive and geeky.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Denial- it ain't just for Egypt.

A few days ago, my daughter WAVED HELLO AT HER FATHER. And she’s been waving ever since- at me, at the baby in the mirror, at the grocery store clerk, at the pediatrician…..
Of course, I’ve been all *hands over eyes* “LA LA LA!! What? I didn’t see anything? No, I did not see my tiny tiny BABY wave! Silly you, she’s just a little bitty BABY- she can’t do that or sit up all by herself or say haaaaay Dad-dee when her father comes in the room or play peek-a-boo or …. LA LA LA STILL NOT BELIEVING YOU!!”

Self, meet reality.
Reality, self.

I can’t take it, Blogites. I truly can’t. I swear to you I’d put the kid back in the womb if I could… ok, so maybe not. But I’d surely have stopped the clock around 3 months. At least for a little while. I would certainly not have a twenty-pound eight-month-old with a four word vocabulary who gets up on all fours and rocks in a manner that suggests she might crawl at any second. And I certainly wouldn’t let my kid get so big for her britches that she asks for “nuh-nuh” while simultaneously pulling up my shirt.

I am fragile these days. Sleep deprivation and employment uncertainty will do that to a gal. So you’ll understand why I cannot possibly entertain any thought in which my child grows up and no longer has sweet baby milk breath or neck rolls.