Some Friendly Campaign Advice

One of my favorite people in the whole entire world who also happens to work for a queer issues non-profit sent this to me. It made my whole day. Enjoy!

Dear John McCain:
I am writing because it appears you may have, what we call in the non-profit community, a "crazies" problem. In our non-profit work, especially work that may be issue specific, we often have "crazies" who pop up around our service areas. Let me give you a few examples:

• We have a member in smaller part of our state who likes to send long ranting e-mails to our Executive Director about how, as a doctor, he believes the "Transgenders" are all power-hungry, sick-o men in lipstick. What this man fails to mention in his ranting e-mails is that he had his license revoked by the American Medical Association for inappropriate conduct. However, this "doctor" is NOT shy about telling me, in front of his teenage daughter, that said teenage daughter is mentally ill and her wicked mother forced her to take the stand and testify against him in a court case. This man, Senator McCain, is a crazy.
• We have a young man member in a suburb of a major city where a conservative, evangelical mega-church is also located. Recently this young man called me to tell me that he was planning a direct action in an attempt to get the mega-church leadership and membership to "engage in dialog about the homophobia preached from their pulpit." I asked said young man what exactly the preachers have said. Said Young Man responded that he has never attended services at this church, but he just knows they preach hate. I asked Said Young Man what action he was planning to encourage dialog. Said Young Man replied, "Well, we are going to dress all in black and lie down on their sidewalk and entry walkways with signs saying they are homophobic and preaching hate which causes people to die. We are going to block them from entering the church. I know this might get a few people arrested, but we really want to open dialog between gay people and this church." Though his crazy may be slightly mitigated by his youthful zeal, Said Young Man is a crazy.

So, you may be asking yourself, my friend, what do The Homosexual Agenda Crazies have to do with the Straight Talk Express Campaign for Mavericks and Pitt-Bulls with Lipstick for the White House? Well, Senator McCain, this has to do with leadership. There are times to ignore the crazies, such as when they send crazy e-mails to your Executive Director. Then, my friend, there are time when you must reign in your crazies. I spoke at length with Said Young Man, trying to help him to understand that a hostile action preventing folks from worshiping as they choose is perhaps not the best way to open dialog. Perhaps Said Young Man would encourage a more productive response by say, sending a letter to the lead pastor asking for a meeting or inviting the congregation to a ecumenical worship service with the Unitarian Universalists or maybe even inviting the congregants to a picnic full of queers following their Sunday morning services.

This is where you come in, my friend Senator McCain. Joe the Plumber, while an unregistered voter, an unlicensed plumber, and an ower of back taxes may NOT be a crazy, your supporters who have smashed car windows, heckled black voters, and left dead bear cubs on college campuses are your crazies. No, perhaps you did not directly incite the crazies, but, none the less, my friend, they are your crazies, and they are looking to you for leadership. How about spending some of that big Republican stock market windfall profi-..... er... some of the public funds you took to run an "honest, American campa-"..wait..... um... some money to buy a few ads. I suggest the ads include the following:

"My friends, my fellow Americans, my crazies. I am your leader. And, as your leader, I am telling you to get your happy asses in line. We are Americans. We are trying to take back the White House from those liberal agenda social- no... from the deregulating Bush Admin-... for Main Street! Yeah, for Main Street! And standing on the corner of Main Street with pictures of dead fetuses and monkeys in turbans, yellin' at voters like there were life-hating women entering an abortion mill in the late 1990s is NOT an effective means to help me win this election. I am John McCain, and I approve this message, and I suggest you hot-mess crazies go get some therapizing."

Sincerely,

A Concerned Community Organizer